If You Don’t Respect Me, I Won’t Respect You
What do you do when your essentially well-functioning 16 year old daughter suddenly becomes oppositional? We’ll talk about this and a whole lot more on this week's podcast, If You Don’t Respect Me, I Won’t Respect You.
Healthy Family Connections, the number one rated family therapy podcast, is sponsored by Neil D Brown, LCSW, and I’m your host, Neil D Brown and I’m here to help you get that enjoyable family you work for every day.
Please remember this podcast is for educational purposes only, it is not a substitute of psychotherapy when you need it.
Today I’m Joined by co-host Robin Holland, Business associate and parent of 2 fabulous YA woman. Hi Robin good to have you here.
Today we’re hearing from Amy of Montreal, Canada and Amy writes:
Hi Neil,
I have an overall good 16-year-old. She does good at school, works part-time, has friends and is appreciated by those around her. She even cleans her room regularly once in a while. She confides in me on important subjects. She is very bright and loves to have verbal exchanges.
Lately she started a new pattern.
Let's say I ask her to collect her glass from the table, she will say she will do it later. Then she won’t do it, so I become more directive: "I told you to pick up your glass". Or she changes the radio in the car 10 times, and I said: "Stop, it's getting on my nerves"
So she will look at me, says very calmly: "I don’t like when you use that aggressive tone, it hurts my feelings.” Say you won’t do it again or I won’t pick up the glass/ do whatever you are asking"
I am very surprised, reply “I am not yelling or using an aggressive tone.” I explain that I can’t promise her not to do it again as I have to ask her things, and that I don’t like her exaggeration.
She then replies somethings along the lines of: " I am sharing my feelings and you are invalidating them. If you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you"
And off she goes with that righteous victim attitude.
Or if someone in the family tries to pay her a compliment (talking about 70-80 y.o. grand parents) saying : "you look good or nice outfit," she will stay polite but then rage in the car after:" Why are they commenting on my appearance, they have no right, I don’t want to see them ". Of course, if they make any other kind of comment they are wrong too: "They only ask about school, they're boring"
I really don’t know how to get out of that cycle, because of course, her feelings are her feelings. I tried to discuss that afterwards when she is calmer, but she is still in the "you're invalidating my feelings so it means you don’t respect me, so I won’t respect you".
I really don’t know how to get out of that.
I thought that she is deliberately overdramatic and using it to gain control /avoid doing tasks.
I am now starting to think that from time to time, she is not overly dramatic and that she really believes that she is a victim with her feelings not being respected.
So how can I get out of that cycle?
Thanks Robin and before we respond to Amy’s question, I’d like you to know that if you have a question, you’d like me to address on this podcast, don’t be shy, we’ll all benefit from your question so come on over to my website, neildbrown.com, click on Podcasts then click on “submit a question” easy as pie, and there are no bad questions and I’d love to hear from you. And while you’re there, click on the button that says FREE STUFF. There are several helpful downloadable items I’ve created for you. So come help yourself. Also, my on-line self-paced Ending The Parent-Teen Control Battle Course is available to you as well. It’s based on my book by the same name but goes that much deeper and brings the understandings and skills that a parent needs to turn things around. There is a downloadable workbook along with the videos. It might just be what you’ve needed all along to get things on the right track. If you’re a therapist and would like to use the course with your clients, shoot me an email so I can send you the therapist’s guide for the course.
Now to Amy’s question.
- What’s most interesting about Amy’s question is that Amy’s daughter didn’t present any of these behaviors earlier in her adolescence.
- Amy is operating from the idea that telling her daughter to do something, such as pick up her glass or not do something such as, stop changing the radio stations, her daughter should do as told. If she doesn’t do as she’s told, something is wrong and needs to be fixed.
Daughter is fighting back with her feelings, I feel this or I feel that, and Amy is judging whether her feelings are valid or not, such as “I wasn’t yelling, which she may not have been, but now daughter gets to say, “you’re invalidating my feelings” and she’s one upped her mother with her righteous position.
- About individuation
- Owning her individuality
- Locus of control in each of us and daughter is saying “I need you Mom, to appreciate and validate my individuality.” I can’t just be your good girl my whole life. I have to become my own person.
- Daughter has learned about the world of emotional communication, and may be ahead of Mom on that.
- Mom needs to have faith that she’s a terrific parent and has brought her daughter to a great place. Now is a transformational time for daughter and Mom can support the transition as a higher priority than daughter being compliant.
- We can all benefit from learning and practicing validation skills. The sooner parents employ that skill with their children, the better.
Thanks for tuning in today and special thanks to you Amy we truly appreciate you taking the time to send us your question.
Just a reminder, are you taking a minute or two to breath, go inward, take a moment, and regroup? Self-care is essential because this parenting business ain’t easy. Take care of yourselves, you need it, you deserve it, you are worth it. Bye for now.
