In this episode, Neil explains the powerful forces that resist change in families. It turns out that the challenges to change are common and frustrate parental efforts to help teens back on a healthy path forward. Neil identifies and explains these challenges and offers a way to overcome them.

Have you read parenting books and listened to podcasts, maybe even talked to therapists and still struggle in your family to create the changes you want and need to see with your teenager? We’ll talk about why this is, and what you can do about it in today’s podcast, The Challenge of Parental Blind Spots.

I’m often amazed that a parent will read my book, Ending the Parent Teen Control Battle, tell me what a great book it is, and then when we talk about their situation, it’s like they never read anything. I find that they are not applying the essential principles of the book, so why is that? In talking with them, I’m always impressed with their intelligence, their life accomplishments, and their compassion and concern for their youth. And yet, they are unable to apply basic yet essential principles that are there for the taking in black and white. This has happened so often with so many people, that I realized it was the rule and not the exception. This realization motivated me to do some research and some deep thinking to understand this phenomenon; clearly something powerful was at play. Parents who read the book obviously want something to change in their family and they even buy into the possibility that the problem with their youth may have something to do with a Control Battle and not just their teenager, so they’re already a step ahead. 

Here’s what I’ve figured out. Let’s start with the fact that we all have personality blind spots and what that means is, we have parts of our personality that may not naturally fit with the needed solution to a parenting problem. For instance we could have a tendency to avoid conflict by using accommodation, you know, saying yes too easily and too often, or avoidance; or too much of the time, simply looking the other way. For this person, the idea of addressing a conflict directly can literally upset their stomach. Or perhaps, you have a tendency to problem solve, so when your teen is upset, you do what you know; you problem-solve their situation only to be frustrated by their resistance to your reasonable solutions. You may have read that there is a better way to address teen problems than offering solutions, but it’s just so clear that if they simply did X, that they’d get a better result, and bingo, problem solved and good feelings restored. Right? Darn! Didn’t work and I got yelled at by my kid to boot, again. 

So the bottom line is, we all function in a comfort zone that works great much of the time, and avoid our blind spots. And it may have worked great for parenting through infancy, toddlerhood and childhood. But adolescence turns out to be another story and it turns out that our blindspot deprives us and our teens of the needed skill sets for the moment. But after reading and learning, parents usually have insight into their blind spots. “I know, I know, I have to set better limits.”  Or, “Everyone tells me I’m overreacting.” Yet they don’t seem to be willing or able to do the hard work of dealing with it. Which is confusing because the parents I talk with are used to doing hard things, so why not after reading about it, don’t they do the difficult thing needed here? They do difficult physical things, they do difficult mental things and they do difficult emotional things. So why don’t they do the difficult thing that they’re read about and learned could be a game changer? After my deep dive on this topic, reading, talking to colleagues and parents; here are what I’ve discovered are the three reasons that keep parents from the changes they want and need. 

1. One is that our behavior in our non-familial relationships, such as our work relationships, or even our friendships is one thing, and our family relationships is another. For instance, you could be a manager at work and be able to set and enforce high standards with your employees, but struggle to set limits with your spouse and kids. Or someone could be considered a great guy to neighbors and the community, but be controlling within their family. The point is, that in our intimate family relationships, our personal issues emerge with greater veracity than outside of our family. Home is where we let our guard down and home is where our unspoken expectations live. We all tend to live with some notion or vision that if we do things a certain way, things with others will work out well, then when they don’t, we simply aren’t ready to pivot and adjust. For instance, “I never got the support and attention I needed as a kid. I’ll give my kids plenty of support and attention and they’ll be happy and do great.” Of course the right amount of support and attention is a good thing, but it’s not the only thing and getting the right mix of support and attention and strategic hands off is another story. 

2. Another reason is what I call The Beast, or the counter-productive behavior and communication pattern that has developed within the family. Once a negative or counter-productive relationship pattern has developed, the pattern itself has momentum; a tendency to keep repeating itself while building strength as it goes. The power of the pattern strongly encourages family members to keep it up, keep doing what they’re doing.This invisible force discourages parents from stepping out of the pattern and embracing new behaviors that may be uncomfortable for them in the first place.

3. And finally, any one change, while it could make a difference, would be less likely to make the major change that parents really need to see, and it’s hard to make a lot of changes all at the same time. For instance, a parent could implement extreme positivity, and that could do some good, but not move the needle on the youth’s commitment to their responsibilities. Or they could establish that privileges must be earned, but communicate that in a way that exacerbates the Control Battle. As a result, they don’t get a good result or rewarding feedback for their significant effort, and then they retreat back to old behavior. 

Realizing how difficult change in families really is, and the many elements that work to block it, we have to have some respect and empathy for how truly difficult it is to make changes within the family unit, even when change is vitally necessary to everyone’s health. Doing what’s necessary and right, simply put, ain't easy. 

That’s why I produced my online Ending the Parent Teen Control Battle parenting course. This course breaks down the essential elements needed to create healthy enduring change; the kind of changes that families need who are struggling to help their teenagers get back on a healthy path forward. This is not a one size fits all parenting philosophy. It is a way for parents to create changes that will help them get their youth back on a healthy path forward. By taking this on in bite size pieces, parents are able to address their blind spots with new easy to learn skills. The course is based on the essential elements of creating systemic change and it’s tailored to the unique challenges and the necessary accomplishments of adolescent development. Each of these essential elements works to make the others effective. Let me explain it this way. If you were making a spicy curry stew and added some really hot chilies and you didn’t balance it with sugar, ouch, your stew would just be hot and unpleasant. But with just the right amount of sugar, wow! All the flavor of the chillies comes through, but not too hot and yet it doesn’t taste sweet. 

It’s exactly the same with the modules in this course. Some modules will directly target the Control Battle, that powerful Beast that resists change. Other modules for instance are designed to establish youth accountability to healthy standards in a way that entirely bypasses the now weakened Control Battle. 

If it’s your goal to create the kind of change that will help your youth back on a healthy path forward on their adolescent journey, my easy to access online course is perfect for you. Each principle and each skill is explained and demonstrated in short 15 minute or so modules and is followed by worksheets that will make each vital element a permanent part of your parenting tool kit. Blind Spot solved.

Thanks for tuning in today listener, and please, take care of yourself. You need it, you deserve it, you’re worth it. Bye for now.

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