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Have you ever felt stuck in the middle between your partner and your kid? Today we’ll hear from a Dad who does. Here’s his question.
Hi Neil,
My wife and our daughter (14) fight all the time. I think my wife needs to back off, but when I tell her that, she blames me for our daughter’s disrespectful behavior towards her. I just don’t agree with fighting and yelling. Our daughter is a good enough student with As Bs and an occasional “C”. While it’s true that she’s capable of all “As”, I don’t think we should be pushing her, but my wife does. Our daughter spends most of her after school time and weekends hanging out with friends and her Mom and I agree that she should be doing something more productive like a sport. She used to play soccer, but she says she doesn’t like it anymore. I guess it’s just normal for kids to want to be with their friends. Mostly, she’s a pretty good kid. Other parents say she’s respectful and pleasant in their homes.
Please help with this disagreement. Should I support my wife and push our daughter to work harder and make her keep playing soccer, or should my wife back off, quit yelling and getting so upset, and let our daughter figure it out on her own?
Signed, Stuck in the middle
Dear Stuck in the Middle,
I’m asked this question in various forms very commonly so you’re not alone. Here’s the problem, you and your wife are fighting through your daughter and that’s extremely unhealthy for your daughter and it keeps you and your wife from working things out.
Because disagreeing with each other is the pattern you have established, if I give you both advice about how to address the issues with your daughter, you will both argue about how to interpret the advice and how to implement the advice.
But Dad, you’re the one who’s asking for advice, so I’ll give you a plan that will solve the problem if you follow it.
If you don’t follow the plan and instead you look for someone to tell your wife that she should back off, you will be locking the problem in indefinitely and the biggest loser will be your daughter.
Here is what I think you are telling me, that your wife wants your daughter to work up to her potential in school and be engaged in some structured non-academic activity such as a sport. What’s wrong with that? In fact that is exactly right. Your daughter is 14 and still needs some parental structure to manage her life well.
What you rightfully don’t want is the yelling and fighting. Okay well---the way to get your wife not to yell is not to tell her not to get angry and frustrated and to not yell. Trust me, she’s not yelling when she asks your daughter to do something, she yells when she gets frustrated by your daughter’s resistance and lack of cooperation and respect.
So here is what you need to do. Are you ready?
Step 1
The next time your daughter starts fighting with her mother, and argues about what her mother is telling her to do, go to your daughter and tell her that she needs to do what her mother is asking of her. Whether it’s to stay home and do her homework or clean her room, or to apologize for swearing at her. It doesn’t matter; she needs to do what is being asked. She will argue and say, “Mom is so controlling” or “who cares what my room looks like” or “I don’t have any homework.” or “Mom yelled at me first.” None of that matters. What you will need to say is, “God didn’t give you a perfect mother, or a perfect father, or a perfect life. We can all do better. But you have a mother who loves the hell out of you, and wants you to do your best and spend more time doing positive things. That’s not child abuse and you need to appreciate the gift of a mother who cares.”
Maybe she’ll say other stuff that will get to you such as: “I can’t believe you’re on Mom’s side” or “You used to be nice and now I’ve got two mean parents, I hate you.”
Your response will need to be, “That’s a terrible way to feel. But the truth is we’re both on your side and we will be setting standards and making rules until you’re mature enough to make healthier choices about how to manage your responsibilities and how to use your time in a productive and balanced way.”
Good, that’s step one. Here’s Step 2:
Go to your wife and say this. “Dear, you’ve been working too hard to get our daughter to follow your instructions. It’s up to her to cooperate and she’s letting you do all the work of motivating her and it’s not working for you or her. She needs to grow the ability to self-motivate and manage responsibilities, but for now, she needs to cooperate with us providing structure. Let’s try this, tell her what she needs to do as positively as you can. When she objects, simply acknowledge her feelings and repeat your instruction. Nothing more. For instance, you say, “no going out, I need you to sit down and do your homework,” she says “I don’t have any.” You say, “I hear that yet, yet I know you have projects coming up and reading to do, and there is plenty of studying to do. So this is not a discussion, this is instruction. No going out, and you need to get busy on your homework. Not scrolling on your phone, homework now please.”
If she gets upset with you or calls you controlling, just ignore it for now. Let’s get her used to the idea that we mean what we say, and won’t be arguing with her. And if she doesn’t cooperate, she’ll lose her phone and more. No threats, no fights, just clear and positive, and if necessary, we can follow that up with action. Okay?”
How does all this sound to you Dad? Keep being the positive caring Dad you have been. I’m not asking you to become authoritarian in your approach. Warm, wise, and clear will do the trick. If you need to take away a privilege or two until your daughter understands that the change here is real, that would be a much better way to communicate that you are serious than yelling and fighting.
If you follow this plan, not only will it be the best thing you could do for your daughter, it’s the best thing you could do for yourself; because you might find that your wife is happy with you, and maybe even back in love and feeling close to you. Could you handle that?
So folks, it’s easy to see the other person as having all the power and feel that we are at the effect of their position, their beliefs and behavior. We have the tendency to give up on our own leadership capability and even our leadership responsibility. The next time you find yourself stuck in an unhealthy relationship pattern with your partner, your youth, or a work relationship, realize that you have the opportunity to change the dynamic by changing your participation in it.
Thanks for your question Dad and thanks for tuning in listener and remember to take care of yourself. You need it, you deserve it, you’re worth it.
Bye for now.
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