Stop Fighting with your Kids about Screen Time (Do this Instead)

The Healthy Family Connections Podcast

Episode 002 · Duration: 00:05:19

In this episode of Healthy Family Connections, Neil takes a question regarding arguing and screen time.

“How can we set aside screen time without arguing about it?”

A relevant and tough question for any parent in this modern age of technology. Screens are a part of our everyday life. Many of us take our screens to bed as well as wake up with them — but screens are not a great thing for kids to be in front of all the time. They should be limited and treated as a privilege.

Listen to this week’s episode to hear Neil discuss:

Structure and screens
Treating screen time as a privilege
How kids can earn privileges and take some of the onus off parents

…and more!

Be sure and check out this week’s episode to hear Neil’s thoughtful advice and recommendations. Or read the transcript below:

Episode Transcript:

I’m Neil Brown, author and psychotherapist. Our question today is a question I believe a lot of parents can relate to. Jess from Oakland, CA wants to know, “How can we set aside screen time without constantly arguing about it?”

Well, yes, screen time is big these days, and it’s in front of us, it’s around us. A lot of parents and kids are taking their screens to bed and waking up to them and checking them and oh brother, we’ve got screens galore and it’s not a great thing for kids to be constantly in front of a screen.

So, let’s start with the notion that a little is a lot and let’s get some real structures in place for our kids. And this is a real parental decision. Depending on the age of your kid, it’s best to have a lot of activities that they can engage in that are not about screens. And have some real structures in place that say this is when they will be on a screen, and this is when they will not be on a screen.

Resolving Constant Fighting

But let’s talk about this constant fighting part because it’s important to know that fighting about any privilege or responsibility can become a relationship pattern where parents are working to get the kids to manage their behavior, and the kids are putting their energy into resisting the parents’ limits or expectations. And in the end what happens is that kids get really good at whining, resisting and arguing. That’s not what we want our kids to be good at.

You’ll notice a minute ago; I said privilege because that’s what we want to think about with screen time. It’s not an entitlement; it’s a privilege, and the way kids get privileges is that they earn them. And how do kids earn privileges? Well, there’s essentially two ways:

One is they manage their responsibilities, and

Two is they demonstrate a good attitude.

If kids can’t end their screen time without a fight, then screen time is a privilege they may not be ready for. They simply haven’t earned it. So, before they begin any screen time, make sure they understand that the privilege includes ending at the designated time without a fuss. Once you’ve established the relationship between privileges and performance – instead of learning how to whine, argue and manipulate – they’re learning how to appreciate what they’re getting and respecting the rules that go along with it. And then you won’t be in a chronic control battle.

The bottom line is – we can’t get our kids off screen time without a fuss. Kids can get themselves off of screen time without a fuss. So, we want to make it clear that that is their job and it’s a job they’re being held accountable to.

Here’s what that could look like. Jess, first decide how much you think is age appropriate for them under the best of circumstances. And keep in mind that an abundance of screen time is not healthy for kids. Just remember that a little is a lot.

All right, sit down with your kids and let them know that you’re going to be talking about screen time. Let them know how much they can earn and talk with them about when they want to enjoy their screen time and how they will be using it. Let them know that it’s a privilege that they need to demonstrate that they’re capable of managing.

And that a big part of the privilege of screen time – is that they can get off it at the agreed upon time using their own will and not yours. That way if they can’t get themselves off then what they’re simply telling you behaviorally is that they are not yet ready for that privilege.

I hope that helps, Jess.

And folks take care of yourselves, and I look forward to seeing you soon.