In this episode, Neil responds to a mom struggling to get her husband to parent without blame and anger. After offering some context, Neil demonstrates a letter writing technique that can jumpstart the process of change.

Do you find yourself struggling to get your partner to parent without anger? It’s a common dilemma and we’ll talk about it and a whole lot more in this week’s podcast, My Husband’s Anger Is Hurting All Of Us.

This question is excerpted from a conversation with a client. Their name has been changed to protect confidentiality.

Here’s our question from Bree:

Dear Neil,
I’m not sure what to do anymore. My husband has always had an anger problem and the kids and I have dealt with it the best we could. But now with the kids being older, I’m concerned about how they are reacting to it. Our younger son seems closed down while the older one is fighting back and getting into huge arguments. He has more of the same temperament as my husband. I’ve tried talking to him about his anger over the years, but he just gets defensive and changes the subject to all the things the kids and I are doing wrong. We’ve tried counseling but he just said the same things in counseling, and nothing changed. My husband is a good man. I love him and the kids have always done sports and activities with him although as they get older, they do more with friends and less with parents. I’m worried about how the kids will grow up if things don’t change. Is there anything I can do? How can I help the kids if things don’t change?

Dear Bree,

What you’re describing is more common than you think and before I more directly answer your questions about what you can do, here are some things to think about. Life is a good therapist if you pay attention because life will keep showing you the parts of you that need attention and improvement. If we listen well to life’s teachings and step up and accept the challenges that life offers we’ll learn and grow and become better versions of ourselves. If not, we become old versions of our younger, immature selves, and that’s not a pretty sight. Think of the difference between a wise, thoughtful older person and a cranky unpleasant one. My point here is that you and your husband may have started out with your husband having a tendency to go to anger when he didn’t like something and you being more flexible and mild mannered when he did. But the dynamic hasn’t changed and now the pattern is stuck, and you don’t know how to move things from a stuck old pattern to a newer healthier one; one where we communicate and address problems without anger, or at least well managed anger. It sounds like your older son and your husband are in a heated control battle and those never end well. But you and your husband are in one as well, just a different form of one. He gets angry over things, and you either try to talk him down, reason with him, maybe talk to the kids on the side and help them feel supported and not as injured by their father’s anger.

So yes, your husband’s anger is hurtful to everyone. The family dynamics are stuck, and your husband isn’t outgrowing his anger response and it doesn’t sound as though you’re outgrowing your accommodation response. So now what do you do?

Here’s what I suggest:

Realize that it’s time to change the family dynamic; change the culture of the family.

Bree, commit to your own personal growth and right now that means get clear about your values and stake a stand for them.
From your question Bree, I’ll assume that your values include:

Managing emotions in healthy ways and dealing with problems with kids, and conflicts in general, without unbridled anger. That’s good because unmanaged anger in families creates a crisis response in others and that’s not what we want.

We want a family culture that is an emotionally safe environment, so no matter what we do that others don’t like, it’s dealt with in a way that doesn’t violate a commitment to emotional safety.

· Your values require that your sons get spoken with kindly and respectfully. Our goal is to teach them and support them, even when we are setting limits.
· Also that we speak with each other kindly and respectfully, even when we are upset with each other.
· Also we are open and use listening skills when someone brings constructive feedback or criticism, not defensiveness.

Am I making correct assumptions here?

Here’s the hard part, living your values. You’ll need to shift a few things in your psyche but you can do it, I know you can.

Realize that you have agency, you have power and authority. You’ve poured a lot of love into your family and because of that, you are loved, needed, and have a lot of moral capital. In other words, you deserve to be listened to and your husband and kids know it. So whether you’re talking to one of your sons or your husband, you can set limits based on your clearly articulated and demonstrated values.

It’s always hard to take that first step and there a many ways to do it. Here is one way that I find effective, but remember, it’s a first step.

Write a short letter to your husband. If there is a pattern where discussing difficult issues invites defensiveness and fighting, writing allows the other person to “hear” your thoughts and time to think about them without immediately responding with defensiveness and fighting.

Here is how your letter might go:

Dear Brad,

We’ve been married for 18 years and now we have young teenagers, careers and responsibilities. We hardly have time for ourselves or each other. That’s tough, but we’re the grownups and it’s what we signed up for and being the responsible people we are, we do the best we can and we deserve to be proud of that. All this has required that we grow as individuals and as a couple. There is an area that still needs us to do a better job and I’m writing this letter because I don’t want to start a fight by bringing it up. Yet, it needs to be addressed.

The way you communicate with me and the kids when you are upset is with blame and anger and that is not okay. This is an issue that we’ve talked about, fought about, even gone to counseling about, but here it is. I think I have a part in this and one part I have is by accepting it as “that’s just the way things are”. But it’s not acceptable and I need you to hear that and do something about it. When I bring this up to you, we end up in a fight as if the things I do that piss you off, and the things kids do that pisses you off are justification for your anger, your yelling and blaming.

I know that you get upset with me because you think I’m too easy on the kids and that I don’t hold to agreements with them. Actually I do, but not in the same way you do. I am flexible with them because I know what’s going on with them and their schedules. When you come in and blow up at them and then me, it undermines my authority with them and it undermines their trust with you, and the bottom line is that it hurts them and it hurts me and in the end, they don’t learn from it.

You need to stop this before the damage from it is irreparable.

I know that you work hard, I know you are responsible and dedicated to our family. I know you love me and the kids, but this doesn’t send that message. I’m happy to talk with you about any problem with the kids or any issue you have with me as long as you approach me with kindness and respect. Don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong. Ask me how things are going and ask me what’s going on and if I need any help. If you disagree about how I handled something, fine. Tell me. And then be willing for me to have another opinion. That way I’ll be open to your input, and you’ll be open to mine.

The kids know that anger and yelling behavior is wrong and they resent it and since I don’t take a stand, they resent me as well. It’s time for us to change.

How does that sound Bree, does is accurately communicate your thoughts and feelings?

Having taken this step Bree, your next one is to get a counselor for your family. Take the leadership and don’t wait to get agreement from the kids or your husband. Make the appointment, tell everyone they’re going and if your husband doesn’t go, you and the kids go. If one or both of the kids don’t go, you go, and they lose all privileges until the next session and they attend it. Someone has to own healthy, benevolent parental authority, and Bree, it needs to be you.

One critical trap to avoid is joining with the kids against Dad. When that happens, you formally become part of the problem, not just from inaction, but by triangulating and that pits people against each other. Your issue is with how we deal with feelings and problems; how we manage anger. You need to help the kids know they are accountable to both of their parents, even though you want their father to communicate limits and standards in a healthier way.

So listener, when you find yourself in a closed loop system, where the same unhealthy behaviors keep going, ask yourself, where am I stuck in dealing with it? Chances are, you are not acknowledging your capabilities, your own leadership potential to shift the pattern and change the culture.

Thanks for tuning in listener and thanks to Bree for her question. And please take care of yourself, you need it, you deserve it, you’re worth it.
Bye for now.

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