In this episode, Neil responds to a Mom struggling with what went wrong and what to do now that her teenage daughter has moved out and is living with her grandmother.

Can you imagine a Control Battle getting so extreme, that a teenager ends up moving out? Unfortunately, it’s more common than you think, and we’ll respond to a Mom dealing with this in this week’s podcast:

I Don’t Want To Live Here Anymore

And here’s Mom’s letter.

How do I move on from my teenager begging to be kicked out due to our standards being so high and allowing her to stay with my mom so she does not go into foster care or the streets? She is a very bright girl but refused to follow rules and earn anything. Wants it all, has love from two parents, a great sister, a home and we love to travel but she wanted a different life. I have been giving her everything for some time but not a phone because she has not been mature enough and has not been consistent enough to do chores, not lie or work on herself and school. That’s all we asked! Now she lives with my mom and it’s been two weeks since she left without a goodbye and a call. I talk to my mom but that’s even different now. I don’t know how to feel or be ok moving on.

Sad and Confused Mom

Thanks for your question Mom.

This sounds very painful and yes, it sounds like it’s going from bad to worse now that you are experiencing your relationship with your mother as strained as well. It also sounds like you’re accepting that your daughter is now living with your mother on an at least semi-permanent basis, and you are trying to be okay with it.

Let me point out a couple of things that I can see here because right now you are in a major Control Battle and Control Battles only get worse unless you employ Control Battle ending strategies. Then if having ended the Control Battle, with your daughter and the Control Battle that’s emerging with your mother, you can decide if it works out best for your daughter to continue living with your mother or if it’s best for her to return home, but we certainly don’t want the painful stress between you and your daughter or you and your mother that you have now.

Yes, it’s reasonable to have appropriately high standards for kids and to require them to manage their responsibilities and have a good attitude to earn privileges. All that is good, and yet you are in a Control Battle and have been for a while and now it’s hit a crisis level. I’m so sorry.

So what is the Control Battle ending strategy? Like I just said you got the last two parts right, High Standards and Earned Privileges, but we left the first part of Having a Healthy Vision of your Teenager out.

Here’s how I see the Control Battle between you and your daughter.

Your position is:
We are all doing just fine; we’re a loving family and we all cooperate and we enjoy traveling together. You’re a problem because you don’t cooperate, or like to travel, and you don’t do your chores or school responsibilities and you lie. What’s wrong with you!? You just need to shape up.

Her position is:
I’m not like you or my sister. You don’t get me and you don’t accept me for who I am. So I’m not going to try to earn privileges in a family where I feel left out.

These competing narratives support the Control Battle and unless the narratives change, the Control Battle will win, and the family will lose. You’re not a bad or wrong mom, your daughter isn’t bad or wrong, the Control Battle has gained control of everyone and is winning.

Let me role play a version of how the control battle might sound in your home.

Mom: The school called, I can’t believe you cut school again and lied about it!! What’s the matter with you?
Daughter: I lie because you don’t trust me anyway, so what’s the difference. Why don’t you just kick me out if I’m so horrible.
Mom: I don’t understand you, all you have to do is basic things and you get everything.
Daughter: You just want me to kiss your ass like my sister does, well that’s not me.

Mom, I’m sure I don’t have it exactly right, but to get to the level of Control Battle your family has gotten to, I’m sure some of it is accurate.

In any case, Let’s get back to step one in ending a Control Battle and that’s to have a healthy vision of your teenager. Hard to do when things have gotten this far, but you obviously love her and don’t want to lose her, so step one is to identify the characteristics you’ve always loved and admired about her. Before things went south, what were her strengths? She’s obviously pretty strong minded and that can be seen as a strength. I’m sure she has other strengths, music, art, sports or physical activities. She may be very social which can be seen as a strength, so you need to be in touch with all her positives and all her potential and be able to communicate that to her authentically in order for her to feel safe and supported with you.

Also, it will be important to show appreciation for your mother’s willingness to be there for your daughter in this challenging time for you and her. Your mother will need to know that you are positive and caring towards your daughter and not blaming her or are negative towards her.

Of course you can communicate that you’re concerned about her lack of investment in school and her lying, but those need to be seen as issues that need to be addressed, not as evidence against her or proof of her being a bad person in any way. Essentially, you’ll need to communicate empathy for her situation. Keep in mind that no teenager wants to leave their family unless they are struggling enormously inside. There’s a lot of hurt in there. She may have developed a hardened outside with lying, manipulating, being oppositional, but you need to be aware of her inside and talk to that side of her.

Then you’ll need a time for you and her dad to sit down with your daughter and talk with her, let her know that you missed the boat in helping her feel seen and supported for who she is, and that you intend to right the ship. It will be very important to:
Have your mother’s support for repairing the relationship so that she encourages your daughter to work things out with you.

Then regardless of whether she moves back home, or continues to live at her grandmother’s, she’ll need goals, limits and standards and she will need to participate in establishing those. That’s a big deal in adolescence, that kids come to the realization that they own their responsibilities and have goals that they work towards for themselves.

It will be helpful and important to have a family therapist involved to help you and your daughter do the healing and reconnecting in your family.

Aside from relationships in the family is the effect of the Control Battle and how that’s impacted your daughter’s development. When kids are in Control Battles, rather than putting their effort into learning, growing and becoming more responsible, they put their effort into being oppositional, manipulative, distrusting authority and avoiding responsibilities. Even though your daughter hasn’t been working her hardest in school, if she’s been going and passing, that’s good. And if she hasn’t begun to use alcohol or other drugs, that’s good. But we know that she’s behind in her development and will benefit from counseling and radically healthy parenting.

So listener:
Parents need to have authority in the family and in order for that authority to be accepted, the parent needs to be seen as caring about their youth and that their authority comes from a place of love and caring. The standards should be appropriate to the family’s values and the youth’s development, but the standards and rules are one thing, the presentation of the standards and rules is another.

There’s Grand Canyon of difference between:
If you want any privileges, you need to do all your schoolwork and cooperate and be respectful and do your chores.

And, on the other side of the canyon:
You’re a capable young person and these are important years. We want to know that you’re doing your best and growing yourself. And you’re an important member of the home and we all need to pitch in and do our part, so don’t be shy to step up and help out, do some chores and cooperate when asked. It’s what we all need to do and we know you’re capable. When we see your effort as sincere we’ll know that you use good judgement and can manage privileges and we’ll feel confident offering them.

Thanks for tuning in today listener and thanks to our worried and worn-out mom for sending in her question. And remember, you’ve got to take care of yourself, you need, you deserve it, you’re worth it. Bye for now.

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