In this episode, Neil explains and offers examples of the most essential elements necessary to help teenagers change out of chronic under-performace due to a variety of causes.

Is your teenager under functioning because of anxiety, depression, ADHD, hyper-sensitivity, oppositional behavior, learning differences or other neural differences? We’ll talk about what to do about this in today’s podcast, How to Create Real Change with your Teenager.

Kids with these conditions can do great; can learn, grow, be happy, and succeed. They can significantly reduce and manage symptoms. But often as parents we get stuck and don’t know what to do. And sadly, my profession can under-perform for you, or sometimes even do more harm than good. We can over diagnose, over medicalize, over specialize, or simply meet and provide counseling that goes no place. Why, because it isn’t effectively involving the youth and their family in the solution.

That’s why I created my online course, Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle. Will it cure ADHD or anxiety? Well no; of course not. But it will make things much, much better so that these conditions don’t undermine your youth’s potential or overwhelm your family.

Do you want your anxious teen to use the self-soothing exercises they have been advised to use? Do you want your ADHD youth to write down and follow a plan? Do you want your oppositional youth to take responsibility? Do you want your teenager to answer your texts, or appropriately participate in the family?

In today’s podcast, I’ll offer the secrets that when strategically combined, will help you help them make these vital changes. Are you ready? Vámonos! Let’s go!

I want to start by establishing this understanding. We want to get away from trying to manage our kids’ behaviors; we want them to take charge of managing their behaviors. Of course, that’s not what’s happening, so our goal is to shift from us managing them, to them managing them, and of course we mean managing themselves in a healthy way. Keep in mind that childhood and adolescence is a time of growth and development. Therefore, the way we deal with their problem behaviors must support their growth and development. Not control their behavior, but to teach them to control their behavior.

With that understanding we can now identify the behaviors that need changing. What specifically do we want to see them do differently? It’s important to leave out the judgements and generalizations and describe the behaviors in positive terms. For instance, I want Jayden to pick up after himself, particularly when prompted to do so and to be a kind big brother to his sister. I expect him to complete and do a good job on his homework without me fighting to get him to do it. 

I want Anita to start every morning with breathing exercises and writing and saying her affirmations out loud. When clarifying the desired behaviors, you want your youth to exhibit, include standards that require your youth’s best effort. When kids do their best, they mature and maximize their development both emotionally and cognitively. It profoundly improves confidence and self-esteem.

Now in order to support your youth in changing out of the negative behaviors to the ones you want to see, we need to do two things:

First, replace the relationship pattern around the behavior that we want changed, the pattern that I refer to as the Control Battle, with new healthier responses to the undesired behaviors. You’ll need to practice not reacting emotionally or even responding with a negative tone to these behaviors. These parental responses, while quite common, also drive control battles. Instead you’ll need to get good at skills such as asking good questions about their behavior and even using the tool of validation. For instance:

Mom: Jaden, Why were you so loud and mean with your sister? 

Jaden: She doesn’t listen unless I yell, she’s such a pest.

Mom: That does sound frustrating. But yelling and name calling are hurtful and not acceptable. It’s clear that she wants to connect with you. How could you give her some positive attention?

Jaden: We don’t like doing the same things.

Mom: That may be true, but you’re her big brother and you’re a smart resourceful person. Put some thought into how you can do some things with her and we can talk about it later. 

Can you get an idea from this about how this might go in your situation?

And once you are no longer participating in the Control Battle, you can create accountability to the new standards and the desired behaviors by shifting out of consequences to address these problems and using your benevolent parental authority to introduce an Earned Privileges model for accountability. That way you are no longer responsible for getting them to behave in healthy ways, and you’ll be putting them in charge of the behaviors that will earn them the privileges they want.

In order to present this new model and shift out of a control battle into a new healthy family model, you’ll need to emphasize a couple of things.

One is to remember all those wonderful things about your youth that aren’t about problems, but about their true nature and what makes them uniquely wonderful. Maybe it’s their creativity, or their way with animals, or their kindness towards grandma. Maybe it’s how hard they worked at learning a really challenging trick on their skateboard. Maybe they’re really smart, even though they don’t apply themselves.  I’m sure there are many ways and reasons that you love and respect your youth. You’ll need to get good at focusing on those qualities and relating to your youth as that fabulous, talented, lovable person you’ve been raising.

The other thing is to be completely confident that they can do what you’re asking them to do. We consistently underestimate our kids’ capabilities and when you are not in a control battle with them, and you are clear about standards of behavior and responsibility, you’ll be amazed to see what they can do.

Here’s a short example of what this might look like under certain circumstances and we’ll go back to Jaden and Mom to show us. 

Mom: Jaden, we’ve been struggling and fighting every day for a while now and it’s exhausting for me, I’m sure hurtful to you, and frankly, it’s completely unnecessary. You are a smart, talented young man and a good person. So why are we struggling? 

Jaden: I don’t know. It’s just that you are always on me and taking things away. 

Mom: I can see that, and I need to change that. I shouldn’t always be on you. We need a reset. There are really just a few things I need you to commit to: You need to do homework every night and have a plan for when you will do it and then stick to it. If I need to prompt you, I expect cooperation and not a fight. 

I need you to pick up better after yourself. You get spread out all over the house. I know it isn’t on purpose so when I tell you to pick up your stuff, once again I need cooperation and I don’t want to be put off. It’s too much work for me to stay on top of getting you to do stuff that you are old enough and capable of doing. 

The other thing is that I need you to honor that you are a big brother to Olivia and I need you to embrace the role of being a big brother. Not just by age, but by being a good role model and a brother who helps Olivia feel cared about and liked.

Jaden: She’s a pest and she gets too much attention from you already. I just want to do my own thing. 

Mom: Yes, younger siblings can be annoying and do require more attention. But what you don’t realize is that in many ways, you mean more to her than even I do. She looks up to you and when you play with her. It makes her feel a kind of happy that I can’t offer her. If you don’t fully understand, please take my word for it and bring some positivity her way and see what happens. 

Jaden: Whatever.

Mom: In each of these things I’m really saying the same thing; you matter, you’re capable, I need you and I need your best self. So Jaden, let’s hit reset.

I don’t want to be taking things away to control you. I want you to control you. Right now, no going out on your bike, your skateboard or playing video games. I want you to think about what we just talked about and let me know if you’re ready to hit reset and then give me some evidence. Let me see the amazing Jaden I know is in there and we can talk about privileges after that. Not privileges to give and take back. Privileges that you’ve earned by committing to doing your best. That way when there’s a problem, I know it can be solved by bringing it to your attention. 

How’s that? There you have an example of what this might sound like when bringing these skills and these concepts together.

Let me offer another example using Anita who holds up in her room with debilitating anxiety.

Anita: Mom, I can’t get my phone to connect to the internet.

Mom: I know. The internet has a new password. When you’re ready for a conversation, we can talk about how we can connect you back up.

Anita: You’re just mean. I hate you.

Mom: Let me know when you want to have a conversation.

Then, a few hours later…..

Anita: What do I have to do? I’m already going to counseling and I’m taking my meds. 

Mom: And that’s terrific, good job. But there’s more to do. Showing up and taking meds isn’t enough. You have to do the work that we’ve talked about with your counselor. You need to do your breathing exercises, your affirmations, at least 20 minutes of yoga and a half hour out of the house activity. I also expect you to join us for dinner and eat some of what is served. No more taking snack foods in your room and then skipping dinner. 

Anita: I’m too anxious for all that. It’s too much. 

Mom: I know it’s overwhelming, I understand that and I get that it isn’t easy for you. But you’d make progress, feel better and it would be easier if you were trying your hardest, but I don’t see you trying. If you’re trying your best and all this isn’t perfect, fine. But hanging out in your room on your devices is getting us no place. Anita, you’re a smart, capable young woman and yes you have serious anxiety. But I know that when you put your mind to something, nothing will stop you and right now, you need to put your mind to getting back to a place where you can manage your anxiety and your anxiety isn’t managing you. 

Can you see how Mom is using her benevolent parental authority to set limits and standards in a truly healthy way here. Sure, in this example, once Anita realizes what’s expected of her she could throw quite a fit and say some horrible things. But if Mom remains calm and holds faith that her daughter can do what is being asked of her, Anita will come around. Also notice that Mom isn’t using privileges as punishment as in, “I’m taking this away because you aren’t eating with us.” Or, “If you don’t come to the table, I’m taking your phone.” Instead it’s, “You can have privileges when you are doing your best to address these serious issues.”

And finally, once you’ve ended the control battle and established accountability to healthy standards, you can create or recreate Authentic Connection with your teen. Just normal life having time together doing things and chatting in simple positive ways. Kids, even teens need to be connected and enjoyed by their parents, even when they act as if they don’t. No, you don’t need to do expensive outings, just spend time. And if you’re working and taking care of the home and kids and don’t have time, include them in home activities; cook together, wash the dog together, make some snacks and watch a movie together. 

So there you have it, the secrets to creating real change in your real challenging situation with your youth. Now I need you to know that embedded in this podcast, are six vital understandings and skills, and I’ll quickly run through these:

1. Identify and address family dynamics that keep things stuck. With the right information parents are in a position to dramatically shift out of control battle patterns.  
2. Take a developmental perspective. Worry less about any one incident or behavior and turn problems into learning opportunities. Afterall, growth and development is what it’s all about. 
3. Hold and communicate a healthy vision of your youth. That’s where self-esteem, aspiration and motivation live. And that’s where parents gain the moral authority to set and enforce limits.
4. Establish behaviors and standards that require your youth’s best effort. They’re capable of far more than we give them credit for. 
5. Establish accountability to your benevolent parental authority using an earned privileges model. All kids need structure.
6. Get and stay authentically connected. Even when your youth acts as if they aren’t interested. 

These 6 areas, when strategically aligned, are designed to create the shift, the change you’ve been working for. And you can get all of that, from the Ending the Parent Teen Control Battle course.

Thanks for tuning in today listener and please, take care of yourself. You need it, you deserve it, you’re worth it. Bye for now.

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