In this episode, Neil helps Sharon, a mom of two, navigate co-parenting with an abusive ex and learn how to support her kids in recognizing harmful behaviors and setting healthy boundaries.

Have you ever woken up to the reality that you’ve built a family with an abusive partner? We certainly hope not, but this mom did, and we’ll respond to her questions about the best ways to help her kids in this week’s podcast, How Do I Share Custody with an Abusive Partner?

Here is Sharon's email:

Hi Neil. I have two boys, aged 11 and 13. Their father and I were never married and have been fully separated for 6 years now. The boys spend half of their time with me and half with him.

It took me a very long time to build up the strength to leave him because when I tried, he would spend hours pressuring me out of it – not letting me take breaks from the conversation, following me around the house, prying open locked doors, getting our young children involved in begging me to stay, threatening to no longer parent the kids if I left etc. I was vulnerable to all of this because I grew up in a cult and was conditioned to literally erase myself and adopt a cult identity. So not only was I used to taking way too much responsibility for other people's wants and needs, I was ostracized by my family and didn't have their support.

When I was finally able to leave, my co-parent spent several years continuing to threaten and stalk me. He refused to discuss necessary parenting topics, and relentlessly told the children outrageously false things about me, including that I had stolen millions of dollars from him, raped him, and that I was a war criminal. I finally got some support from the courts, and now I only communicate with him in writing, respectfully, and about parenting matters. But after I took legal action he stopped communicating with me at all. Even when I emailed to tell him about his son being in the hospital - nothing, crickets.

So, my question is, what can I do to avoid my kids being stuck between their parents given that their father refuses all communication with me, and no one in his family is willing to help? How can I support my children to recognize their father's harmful and dysfunctional relating behaviours and empower them to set healthy boundaries? Especially when their dad is of course the "fun one" while I provide the structure, limits, healthy habits etc.

Thank-you,
Sharon

Many listeners right now might be thinking, Oh my gosh, is this possible? Does this really happen?

Yes this does happen and I’ve helped in situations like Sharon’s many times, and believe me, it is painful for lots of reasons. One of the most painful aspects of these abusive situations is that the courts often don’t get it right. Often abusers know how to use the court system to their advantage. The abusive parent may present rationally in court or the court may simply have a bias that ends up harming the kids. Not always of course and they can’t help if you don’t let the court know what's going on, but there is no guarantee there.

Here are a few elements in Sharon’s story that are important to emphasize.

While none of us are married to a perfect person, including our spouses who aren’t married to a perfect person, some of us will find ourselves married to a pathologically imperfect person. In other words, someone who has personality and behavioral issues that lack basic societal values and they intentionally hurt others; sometimes in overt ways like in this case, and sometimes in covert ways and using things like inventing medical reasons for abusive behavior or making false accusations against the other parent that the courts can’t ignore. Of course the abuser always claims to be a victim of the other person. I’ve seen these situations in the courts gobble up a million dollars in legal fees with little relief.

Why would anyone marry or partner with an abusive person? Sometimes the abusive person will be extra charming and go out of their way to be the perfect person for someone and then little by little they start making demands and essentially gaslight their partner until their partner is emotionally and financially stuck. Then it takes a herculean effort to get out.

Another way that people get caught up in abusive relationships is they were raised as Sharon was, without regard for their emotional needs so they don’t consider their emotional needs when choosing someone to be with. They might see the person as smarter or more successful or more desirable than they are, and decide that being with this person would improve their life. Then after suffering for an extended period of time, they wake up to the idea that their needs matter and the person they are with is in fact abusive and expecting them to change is hopeless. It’s hard enough to get out of a situation like this when no kids are involved, but when kids are involved, it’s really messy because the abused partner has to care not just about their own suffering, but the suffering of the kids who are in the middle and have mixed alliances, they love both of their parents, so it gets confusing and complicated.

Now Sharon wants to know how to support her two boys, ages 11 and 13. She wants to know how to help them recognize their father’s harmful and dysfunctional behaviors and how to set healthy boundaries. All this given that their father is the “fun one” while she provides structure, limits, and healthy habits.

I wish I had an easy answer for this, I don’t. But here is the wisdom of my experience. Sharon, have faith in yourself and in the kids. In spite of the fact that they’ve grown up with trauma in the family and been drawn into their parent’s fights, as well as having been subjected to their father’s alternative reality, they’ve had you, and you have consistently been there for them. You’ve fought for them and you continue to fight for them and do the right things for them, even when it isn’t popular with them. Great work. If they are doing reasonably well, and you didn’t mention any specific behavioral problems with them, thank your lucky stars and keep up the good work. Here’s the hard part; you need to be sure to separate your needs and feelings from their needs and feelings. It does them no good to hear about your feelings or experiences with their father. The rare exception to that is when they are carrying a false negative story about you that’s been perpetrated by the abusive parent and they confront you with it, an older child or teen might need to know that what they’ve heard is false, and they might need to hear the truth, depending on their age and the appropriateness of the subject.

But for the most part Sharon, focus on developing the skill sets of asking questions and validating feelings. For instance, when they ask, “why do you make us put our phones away all the time, Dad doesn’t care.” You can respond with, “That’s an important question and I’m glad you asked it. Why do you think I limit screen time?” Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, they know why you limit screen time, they just don’t like it.

When they say, “I hate it when Dad loses his temper, it scares me.”

You can validate that. “Yes, it is scary when a parent loses their temper, I can really understand that. Do you want to say what happened?”

“When I didn’t come fast enough when he called, he yelled and said I was going to get my ass kicked.”

“That is scary when a big guy like your dad says they're going to hurt you. I’m really sorry that’s happening. I’m here for you. What’s the best way for me to help?”

Sharon, focus on your own parenting and the culture in your home. Don’t try to make up for his fun dad parenting by being extra strict or serious or compete by being a fun mom. Be positive, have things that the kids like to eat on the healthier side, but tasty. Keep a sense of humor and have fun with them. If you can have a pet, pets can help make the home more homey. You’re doing the right thing by having healthy standards and structure. You’re going through a lot trying to recover from the trauma of your childhood, the trauma of your relationship, and the challenges of your current circumstances. That’s a lot, but with help from friends and counselors, you’ll do great.

If the kids keep friends and participate in activities such as sports or band, they will experience and expand their awareness of what normal is. Eventually if the abusive parent remains abusive and unable to provide real support, they won’t want to keep going there and generally, courts in the US allow older kids to be the primary decision makers about where they’ll live.

If you remain a solid person in their lives, and they have other reasonable adults in their lives such as coaches, friends’ parents, counselors, they will recognize it when they have a parent that is not normal and will learn to let go of them, outgrow them and move on. But this is a process and you need to hang in there on a daily basis bringing your best and having faith in them and in yourself. And while all this is really challenging, give yourself permission to be happy and even have moments of joy. You’re entitled to that.

Counseling for yourself and if legally allowed, for you and the kids could be extremely helpful here as well.

Thanks for tuning in here listener and special thanks to Sharon for sharing her sensitive story and question with us and please remember, take care of yourself, you need it, you deserve it, you’re worth it.

Bye for now.

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