What do you do when after reading a stack of parenting books, and trying to say everything just the right way, you get fed up and want to just “say it like it is?” We talk about this and a whole lot more on the podcast, Can’t I Just “Say It Like It Is” To My Kids?

Healthy Family Connections, the number one rated family therapy podcast, is sponsored by Neil D Brown, LCSW, and I’m your host, Neil D Brown and I’m here to help you get that enjoyable family you work for every day.

Please remember this podcast is for educational purposes only, it is not a substitute for psychotherapy when you need it.

Today we’re hearing from Josephina from Austin Texas, and Josephina writes: 

Dear Neil

I’ve listened to your podcast and read parenting books including yours, but here’s what I don’t get. 

Can’t I just tell the truth about how I feel to my kids?  Does everything need to be positive when they are irresponsible, lazy, and disrespectful?  Why isn’t it acceptable to tell them that I’m disappointed in them, frustrated with having to constantly remind them to do their responsibilities, get off the couch, get off their phones. Frankly, I’m angry with them and their behavior and think they should know that. I want to be positive, but they don’t. I invite them to do fun things, take the dogs for walks together or a hike, even go to lunch, but they would rather be on their phones watching YouTube videos.

I grew up in a family of 8 kids and none of us talked back or needed to be told more than once to do anything. We never wanted our parents to be upset with us. I’m truly worried about my kids. How will they succeed in the world without any initiative or sense of personal responsibility?  I’ve tried the positive thing, but it isn’t working so now I’m going back to getting real. If I’m missing something, please let me know. 

Now to Josephina’s question. It’s an excellent question and one I’ve heard many times.  Why can’t I just be real with my kids? “Get your lazy butts off the couch and do something productive!” Or words to that effect. 

And the answer is in order to be real with your kids, first you have to be real with yourself. Let’s take a look at what REAL means and then how Josephina might want to communicate in a way that is “real” or AUTHENTIC with her kids.  

Being real with our thoughts and feelings is important. We need to know that it’s okay to be us; that our thoughts, feelings, desires, our needs are okay. Who we are is okay.  We want that for you Josefina, and we want that for your kids. Let’s talk about what’s real for you and how you might communicate that with your children or teens.  

What’s true for Josefina?

Here she is, the mother of these kids whom she brought into this world with the greatest of hopes, dreams, and love. Now, for whatever reason, they are not listening, appreciating or respecting her efforts to get them on track. Of course she’s frustrated with them.  

Now let’s look a bit deeper.  Since I’ve never met her, what I’m offering might be off but there is an essential message here that can still be helpful. 

• She’s really confused and hurt. When she was a kid growing up, she would never have disrespected her parents because she was afraid of getting them upset with her. They were really strict and if you got out of line or didn’t do your part, you got singled out and scolded and felt ashamed and bad to your core. Maybe one of her siblings did act out and was always in a lot of trouble and she didn’t want that to happen to her. So she just did what she was told and what was expected. 
• To this day, she still avoids ever having someone get angry with her because it makes her feel ashamed all over again. 
• She never realized that her feelings were important. She believed that just doing the right thing was important. She wanted her kids to know their feelings were important and she was more lenient and gave them more choices.
• But now when they are irresponsible, don’t listen and are disrespectful, she feels like she felt when her parents scolded her; hurt and  ashamed. That’s why she gets so frustrated and angry with them. It’s because of the hurt that’s still inside her. She’s trying so hard to do what’s right, and not being appreciated or respected for it. 

The point is: Being authentic means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable; not projecting an image or covering our vulnerable feelings. 

Now Josephina might not want to tell her kids her life story when she wants the kids off the couch, but she can still be authentic. What if she tried this:

“I want you both to be able to have choices about doing what you enjoy and how and when to manage your responsibilities. A lot of the time you do that and I appreciate that and respect you for it. But I know your phones are hard to put down and I know I have a hard time being strict with you because my parents were so strict with me. I want more than anything for you to be happy and to know that I care about your feelings. Yet  we need to have some rules about when phones get used because they are interfering with you managing your responsibilities and making healthy choices about using your time. So right now, put your phones on the kitchen counter and get on to something more productive, otherwise I’ll need to take phones away until you have better habits in place.”

How does that sound, Josephina?  It’s real, yet it isn’t shaming or hurtful.  

• You’re open and vulnerable, letting them know that you have a hard time setting limits and are maybe overly concerned about their happiness. And you’re now being clear and taking action with them. This is good for them, and good for you. And guess what? Your kids will still love you and appreciate you even when you set healthy limits.  
• Maybe the real you isn’t an angry, shaming, name calling you. Maybe the real you is a loving and admittedly imperfect you. I think that’s a pretty cool you and an authentic you that you can be proud of. 

Thanks for tuning in today and special thanks to Josephina for her question, and just a reminder, Mental Health needs to be role modeled. Your children won’t be mentally healthier than you. Self-care is essential. You need it, you deserve it, you are worth it. Bye for now.