What do you do when your daughter is going to college, but is threatening to quit or hurt herself, if you don’t give her more of what she wants? We’ll talk about this and a whole lot more on this week’s podcast, 3 Critical Steps to Heal Young Adult Hostile Dependency.

Healthy Family Connections, the number one rated family therapy podcast, is sponsored by Neil D Brown, LCSW, and I’m your host, Neil D Brown and I’m here to help you get that enjoyable family you work for every day.

Please remember this podcast is for educational purposes only, it is not a substitute for psychotherapy when you need it.

Amy from Seattle, Washington writes:

Dear Neil

We really need some help. We have been struggling with our now 20-year-old daughter for years, but now it seems things are worse than ever. She struggles with anxiety and depression, and we try to help her. The problem is that she makes everything our fault and won’t accept any help. Then when she’s really down, she threatens to quit college, or worse yet, to kill herself.  She’s had counseling in the past but is refusing to accept it now. She makes friends easily, but after a short time, her friends leave her because she becomes hostile and difficult. 

We worked with a psychologist and a psychiatrist when she was in high school.  She was on medication and had therapy and that got us through some really tough times. We hoped that she would find her own way in college, but we keep finding ourselves in the same boat of needing to hold her together while she blames us for not understanding or doing enough. She complains that we won’t buy her a car or give her enough money to go on expensive outings with friends. We pay all her college expenses including the dorm and a complete meal plan but want her to be responsible for her own recreation money. 

We don’t want to buy her all those things because that’s not why we sent her to college. She complains about the classes she doesn’t like and has withdrawn from a couple and gotten some Ds.  Others that she likes, she’s gotten As and Bs. So we know she can do the work if she tries. 

When we say “no” to her asks, they turn into demands with threats that she’ll quit school and come home or kill herself.  We don’t want her to come home because she won’t live with any house rules and that won’t solve anything, and we certainly don’t want her to harm herself. She’s supposed to be taking an antidepressant, but we can’t monitor what she’s doing. Her psychiatrist is hard to get an appointment with and won’t talk with us about our daughter because of rules of confidentiality so we are really stumped about what to do. 

Her college is a couple of hours away and once in a while, I’ll visit her and take her to go shopping and have a nice meal together.  These visits go well until I leave and then I get a barrage of insults, demands and threats.

Is this something you’ve seen before, and do you have any suggestions for how to get out of this rut we are in?  Our hope is that she will become independent and build a successful life for herself.

Before we dive in, I’d like folks to know that if you have a question, you’d like me to address on this podcast, don’t be shy, we’ll all benefit from your question. Visit this link: neildbrown.com/podcasts then click on “submit a question” easy as pie, and there are no bad questions and I’d love to hear from you. And while you’re here, visit my FREE STUFF section.  There are several helpful downloadable items I’ve created for you.  So come help yourself.  Do you have your copy of Ending the Parent Teen Control Battle? That can help you solve or avoid a lot of problems, so don’t miss out. 

Now to Amy’s question:

Sounds like a syndrome I’ve been seeing a lot of these days and the term for it is hostile dependency.  

• I rely on you for everything, and I hate you for not being perfect for me.
• I hate you because I depend on you.
• All my feelings are your responsibility.
• I hate you, be there for me. 

For a toddler it makes sense.  I can’t just have a lollipop when I want one.  I rely on you, so I hate you for not giving it to me when I want it.  I melt down when I can’t have my lollipop. 

How do we deal with a toddler?

• We acknowledge their feelings
• We give information about how and when to get what they want.
• We give them responsibility for managing their feelings. 

We don’t fight, bargain, defend, or blame. We don’t tell them their wants or feelings are wrong.  We validate the feelings, set the limit by giving them information about how things work, and give them responsibility for dealing with their feelings. 

It’s exactly the same with teenagers and young adults.  But here is the problem and why this is so hard, hostile dependency in a young adult represents more than anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.  It represents a lack of social-emotional as well as moral development. The social-emotional deficit is her lack of ability to understand and manage her feelings and her lack of ability to make, keep and grow quality friendships. 

Her most essential moral deficit is her lack of personal responsibility, the ability to take responsibility for her own happiness and success. With Amy’s daughter, she looks to her parents to give her what she wants rather than figuring it out for herself. She breaks down very much like a toddler who understandably is dependent on their parents.

So how can Amy deal with this situation?  How can she engage with her daughter, when her daughter is hostile towards her? 

First of all Amy needs to know that the path forward is not an easy one. Her daughter has developed some destructive characteristics and it will require that she and her husband follow some very basic principles in the face of intense emotions, threats and risks. Her goal should be to help her daughter realize that she, meaning her daughter, holds the keys within her to happiness and success.  You can think of it like The Wizard of Oz when the Wizard who turns out to be an ordinary man behind the curtain, helps the Lion realize that he had Courage, the Scarecrow that he had Brains, and the Tin woodsman had a Heart; all of these were within them if they believed in themselves.    

This is a process, not one discussion or one anything.  This is something where you hold the vision of her capability within her, and little by little, she discovers and learns the beauty of that simple truth, and the skills to support it. 

1. Acknowledge and validate feelings. “That class sounds really challenging and that’s no fun especially when the professor is dry.”  Or, “yes it would be fun to go snowboarding with your friends for the weekend.”  
2. What’s your plan for handling that class? We support your doing fun things, but we only fund the education part. The recreation can come from money you’re saved or earned. (The critical element here is to be non-judgmental and empathetic to neutral in tone. There can’t be an ounce of judgment or control. It can’t be, “we aren’t made out of money” or “We’ve given you so much and you don’t appreciate anything.”)
3. Then when she breaks down and threatens to quit school or kill herself, go back to number one and acknowledge her feelings that she really wants to do fun things with her friends and then, acknowledge her feelings of disappointment that she doesn’t have the resources at this time. And finally, acknowledge that she sometimes has trouble managing her feelings and invite her to call a campus help line or set up some sessions with a therapist. By not jumping in and trying to either solve the problem for her by perhaps agreeing to give her an early birthday present so she can go, or trying to get her to see that this is her doing because she didn’t want to save her money when she had a job, you let her experience life, the feelings she gets by not having saved the money she wishes she had, and by implication, these are her feelings based on her life choices. Here we are offering a lesson in personal responsibility, a lesson she desperately needs, without mentioning the obvious, take responsibility.  

Now what happens if things escalate, as they often do? You may need to call campus police for a welfare check or maybe, since she is relatively nearby, drive up and simply be with her without talking about the situation, and focus on going for walks, breathing, or talk about how we manage feelings. 

Then you may need a longer term plan because as I’ve said, when we see hostile dependency in young adults, there is a pretty serious developmental deficit and it will take a while to grow to a level of functional independence. 

I agree Amy, that a hostility dependent young adult is not a good candidate to live at home because home is a petri dish for fighting over rules, standards, boundaries and limits.  

If your daughter has withdrawn from some classes, summer session could be a good time to make up those credits. Perhaps there is a summer or break internship available through the college.  

There are also independent wrap-around services that can provide therapy, psychiatry, coaching and even recreational outings designed for specific young adults with specific needs. 

Of course there are intensive outpatient therapy programs sometimes called partial hospitalization that offer DBT in a group setting with some individual therapy as well and then there are residential treatment programs that work with young adults with all kinds of issues from substance use disorders, to eating disorders, trauma treatment and more. 

I’d advise utilizing the services of a licensed placement professional who can accurately assess your youth’s specific needs and the best program options for them.   

Thanks for tuning in today and special thanks to you Amy, and just a reminder, Mental Health needs to be role modeled. Your children won’t be mentally healthier than you. Self-care is essential. You need it, you deserve it, you are worth it. Bye for now.