How To Make Your Teen Apologize

How To Make Your Teen Apologize

Note: This blog post was originally published 09/20/16 and has been updated and republished on 07/31/19.

 

Does Making Your Teenager Apologize Do Any Good?

How To Make Your Teen Apologize PinterestI was talking with the mom of a young teen the other day and she was telling me about an incident where she asked her son to apologize to his dad for inappropriate behavior.

The mom was wondering if she had done the right thing and she asked me several questions.

  • Is it right to ask your kid to apologize?
  • Does it do any good?
  • What if they’re just going through the motions?

There are a couple of circumstances for which we generally offer apologies.

One is when we -- completely accidentally -- do something that hurts another, such as bump into someone, step on a foot, or take the wrong umbrella when leaving a party.

In these cases, we might not have done anything intentionally wrong, but caring that the other person was hurt by us matters to us and we offer an apology.

“I’m terribly sorry,” for instance.

The other circumstance is when our behavior towards someone was below standard and violates our own values.

For instance...

  • I didn’t allow enough time to get to where we agreed to meet and I left you waiting, or
  • I answered you in a curt manner without listening well or being empathetic.

In these instances, we need to acknowledge that we did something wrong, and apologize in a manner that communicates that we regret the hurt, violation or injury we caused the other person or people.

Taking Personal Responsibility

It is important that we teach these values -- taking personal responsibility and apologizing -- to our children and teenagers.

When our kids are very young and they hurt someone, we simply tell them, "Say you’re sorry."

Then we let it go and we are happy to simply teach the behavior of taking responsibility and showing caring. Our kids, however, are too young to understand and internalize those values.

As kids get older -- and certainly when they are teenagers -- we want more than the demonstration of the behavior of apology. We want to see evidence of awareness and remorse for an inappropriate or hurtful behavior.

As kids get older, we want more than the act of the behavior of apology. We want awareness.Click To Tweet

We want to know that the teenager understands the value or values that were violated by their behavior, has genuine remorse for their behavior, and has every intention of not repeating the behavior.

We don’t want to shame them or have them feel bad about themselves, but we do want them to feel badly that they did something wrong.

We want them to learn and grow from their mistakes.

We want our teens to learn and grow from their mistakes.Click To Tweet

Adolescence is a time when kids are learning to function more independently. It's at this time we want them to learn and understand healthy values and behaviors without adults present.

And the only way any of us learn anything is by making plenty of mistakes that we then learn from. Parents still need to provide structure for that learning.

Let’s say you get a call from the parent of a schoolmate of your 14-year-old son, and you learn that your son posted hurtful things on her Facebook timeline.

In general your son does well and this seems way out of character.

You have a discussion with him and learn that this classmate of his said some hurtful things and spread lies. And with support and advice from some of his friends, your son retaliated with a hurtful Facebook post.

This provides an excellent teaching moment to support your son in learning about several areas:

  • dealing with hurtful behavior from others,
  • appropriate use of his personal devices and social media,
  • and managing peer advice and peer pressure.

Ideally, both sets of parents agree that both kids owe each other an apology and you set up a supervised opportunity for them to do it.

Even if the other parents were not amenable, you would still have your son realize the wrongfulness of his behavior and you would want him to offer a sincere apology.

After this is complete, and you see that your son is genuinely remorseful, you will want to monitor your son’s online activities closely until you are convinced that he understands and is committed to healthy social media etiquette.

This is pretty straight forward, and in a case such as this, the young teenager will learn and grow from the experience.

Let’s look at a different situation in which a teenager’s apologies seem empty, and the parents are having difficulty seeing any change or growth after a problem occurs.

Putting an End to Empty Apologies

Hunter, a 14-year-old teenager, has not only posted inappropriate content on his schoolmate’s Facebook timeline, but he has been discovered in the past going to inappropriate websites.

Hunter routinely talks disrespectfully to his mother when she is trying to get him to...

  • do his schoolwork,
  • manage his responsibilities,
  • or set virtually any limit with him.

Hunter was always one to challenge limits, but up until recently, he would at least buckle down when he realized his parents were fed up.

He still follows the same pattern of compliance when he’s in trouble, but that only lasts until the next time he’s in trouble. Now that he’s a teenager, he’s under adult supervision far less than when he was a child so there are a lot more opportunities for him to exercise poor judgment.

When they came to their first counseling appointment, Hunter’s parents were beyond frustrated...

They were exhausted and plum out of ideas.

Dad: We’ve done everything we know for Hunter. We know he’s smart and we know he’s lovable, but it seems like he’s finding trouble every week.

Mom: This current episode is just the latest with Hunter. I can’t get him to cooperate at all. He replies with “in a minute” for everything I ask him to do and when I insist, after a barrage of backtalk, he does a mediocre job at best. Not close to his best effort.

Dad: He knows better than to post bad things on someone’s Facebook page. We’ve been over that and more. We’ve taken his phone and computer away and here we are again at first base. Nothing works with this kid.

Me: What are your thoughts about all this, Hunter? Sounds like you and your parents are in quite a routine struggle together and your parents are having trouble getting through to you.

Hunter: They’re on me all the time, always telling me what to do. They’re always angry with me and are never happy with anything I do. They get too upset about small things.

Me: What about the online post, Hunter?

Hunter: Other kids have posted stuff on my Facebook page and I just say stuff back. If she was really hurt, I am sorry. I was only half-kidding... I’ll apologize. It’s no big deal.

It was clear to me that any apology in this case was just routine and that Hunter was not learning or growing from apologizing. He was not internalizing critical values or committing to changing his behavior.

And all this put him at risk for increasingly significant problems.

Is your teen truly committed to changing his behavior?Click To Tweet

There were many issues to sort through in this case...

...just to name a few.

But after several meetings -- including one with Hunter alone, his parents alone, and all three of them together -- we began to make progress.

What really turned things around was when mom and dad asked Hunter for a sincere apology for his actions and a commitment to make real changes in his life.

This is how that went:

Dad: Hunter, we know you’re a good kid. Yet things have not been going well for quite a while. You talk with us in a very disrespectful manner. We have to push to get you to do your work. You don’t seem to care about your school responsibilities, and you are making poor choices on a regular basis. Most important is the fact that this doesn’t seem to be changing regardless of what mom and I do to help you grow and learn.

What you posted on Janelle’s page was just plain wrong. It doesn’t matter what anyone else did. We’re not interested in anyone else. We’re interested in you and making sure that we support you in growing up to be the excellent person we know you can be. Not taking responsibility for your schoolwork and being disrespectful to us are all unacceptable and plain wrong. 

Mom: Dad and I have not been holding you accountable to high enough standards and have spent too much time arguing and fighting with you. It seems all we’re doing is teaching you to argue and fight. And for that, we owe you an apology.

Hunter: You don’t owe me an apology, mom. I’m the one who does stuff wrong. I’ll change.

Mom: We’re glad to hear that and before you get any of the privileges you’ve come to expect, we are going to need you to demonstrate that.

Hunter: We’ll, I said I’d change... what else am I supposed to do?

Dad: That’s an important question for you to ask yourself, Hunter. You’ve apologized before and then went back to the same behaviors. So at this point, trust has been broken and you need to rebuild it.

Hunter: How long do I need to prove it?

Mom: It isn’t about how long. It’s about commitment, not words or consequences. You need to take some time and think about what you’re about. Are you a positive, sincere 14-year-old ready to make good personal choices? Or are you a 14-year-old acting like a 9-year-old, still needing his parents to be on him every minute?

Dad: Once again Hunter, we know you’re a wonderful kid and everyone loves you. You are charming and likable. And now you need to be more than that. Now, you need to grow your character. So yes, by all means, do apologize to Janelle, but mean it. And while you’re at it you can apologize to your mother for the disrespectful way you’ve been talking with her. And you need to apologize to yourself, for not doing your best and letting yourself down.

Mom: So take some time and think about all this. Your privileges will be there when you’re ready for them.

After a couple of counseling sessions with Hunter and a couple with his parents, Hunter was ready to make some sincere apologies and commitments.

I helped Hunter write out the behaviors he was committing to changing and the values he was committing to living.

Then, in a family therapy session, he read it to his parents. Part of what Hunter wrote was that he knew he would make mistakes, but when he did he would take responsibility and make a sincere effort to learn from them.

After witnessing a real change in Hunter’s attitude and behavior, his parents conditionally reinstated his privileges, and things went forward in a much smoother manner.

So, yes -- apologizing is important -- and we want to teach our kids and teenagers to take responsibility and learn and grow from their mistakes.

  • If your teen is only reluctantly and insincerely apologizing, then it may be time to raise standards and improve accountability.
  • Since you are asking you teenager to access a more caring, more responsible, and more respectful part of him or herself, you will need to model those values in the way you engage him or her.
  • Remember that your son or daughter, deep inside, is a wonderful and capable person who needs your loving limits, guidance and support. So remind him or her of how wonderful he or she is, and that you want to support them in growing and being their very best selves.

Have you recently had a breakthrough with your teen? Perhaps you feel you've reached an impasse?

Please share your experiences in the comments below.

Posted in Parenting, The Healthy Family Connections Podcast.

7 Comments

  1. My 19 year old son is in college but lives with me in the summer (dad is not in the picture). A couple of family friends were at our house the other night and we all decided to play a card game. One of them noticed my son was cheating in the game and mentioned it. My son flew off the handle, started throwing cards around, and yelled at the relative. Then he yelled at me and said, speaking of himself, “I never should have allowed [the family friend] in my house!” I told my son that it was not his house; it is my house because I make the payment, and I can allow anyone in the house that I want to be present. My son then told a lie about me to the family friends. I later told my son he needed to apologize, but he has not. My son then sent me several rude text messages. I replied and told him that anger could ruin his future career, relationships, and life, and for that reason, he needs to develop strategies and skills to deal with it, and that I would help him do that. I reached out to try to talk the situation out with my son and he refused. I have suspended his cell phone as a consequence. This happened several days and we haven’t spoken since. I am concerned that my son will repeat this behavior, which I believe is entirely unacceptable (not to mention embarrassing). I also have a younger son who was not present during the incident. Please advise what next steps I should take.

  2. My 17 year old son has had a girlfriend for one year, who I approve of and like. I have come to the conclusion that they are sexually active, even though I don’t know for sure. I am just assuming bc I know what I was doing at age 17-18. Girlfriend came over the other day, & I left them alone in livingroom for about 20 minutes. I came out of my room and they were not in livingroom. I approached his bedroom door, which was closed, opened it and walked in on them having sex. I lost it…screamed, cussed, and then called her mother and told her. I apologized to both of them the next day for screaming/cussing… I realize that I could have handled the situation better. My son is furious that I called the mother & now blames me bc her parents are making her break up w/ him. He REFUSES to apologize to me for disrespecting me in that way. When I spoke to him a few days later about how he needs to apologize to me, he said “apologize for what?” I am at my witts end… his father and I are divorced and I told him to stay at his father’s house until he was ready to take some blame and tell me he is sorry. It’s been almost 2 weeks and still nothing….. I miss him…I just don’t know where to go from here.

  3. Thanks for responding to my blog. When our children or teenagers do something wrong, we want to help them learn and grow from the situation. That would be the point of an apology, to support taking responsibility, learning and growing.
    Your 16 year old has not done that, he has not taken responsibility or shown remorse. He sees his violent act as justifiable; it isn’t.
    You’ve tried two things: 1) lecture and 2) the silent treatment, neither of which have helped your son learn and grow.

    I recommend you stop the silent treatment since that is only supporting a Control Battle with your son. Also, when we lecture, kids often tune us out. Rather than you telling him what he did wrong, I’d simply state that his rationalization, that it was okay to respond the way he did, is just that, a rationalization. I’d ask him to go away and think about why what he did was wrong; what rules it broke, what values it broke, and what negative consequences may have resulted. I’d ask him to think of several different ways that he could have responded more appropriately. And I’d have him write it down and then come back to you with it written down and have a discussion. Then, once he has established that what he did was wrong and dangerous, part of how to resolve it, or demonstrate that he learned and grew from his error, is to apologize to his brother.
    I recommend that you suspend all of his privileges until he completes this.
    My only other thought is that if this is a pattern of violent behavior, or not taking responsibility in general, it will be important to address the bigger picture as well. Family therapy would be a good place to start here.
    I hope this helps.
    Best wishes to you and your family,
    Neil

  4. WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT MY 16 YEARS OLD SON WHO PUSHED HIS BROTHER DOWN THE STAIRS WHEN HIS LITTLE BROTHER PUSHED HIM PLAYFULLY, HE JUSTIFIED HIS ACT BY “HE PUSHED ME SO I PUSHED HIM” THANK GOD NOTHING HAPPENED TO THE YOUNGEST , I GAVE A LECTURE TO BOTH OF THEM ,SEPERTLY, FOCUSING MORE ON THE OLDEST.IS WHEN I TALKED TO THE OLDEST AND HE GAVE ME THE “HE PUSHED ME SO I PUSHED HIM” EXCUSE I FOCUSED ON THAT HE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE ABOUT HIS ACTIONS , THE PROBLEM IS I HAVE NOT BEEN TALKING TO HIM PROPERLY SINCE THEN HOPING THAT HE WOULD APOLOGIES AND RECONSIDER HIS ACTIONS,HE HAS BEEN TRYING TO BRUSH IT OFF LIKE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND THAT APOLOGY IS UNNECESSARY ,I AM AFRAID TO BREAK MY STAND AND TALK TO HIM SINCE HE SHOWS NO SIGNS OF REMORSE HOWEVER I AM AFRAID THAT IT WILL ONLY AGGRAVATE THE SITUATION , WHAT SHOULD I DO PLEASE HELP!ALSO IF THERE IS ANYTHING I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME.

    sORRY FOR THE LONG EMAIL,
    HAVE A NICE DAY

  5. Thanks for checking in and offering your suggestion Audrey. Here’s my thinking. Generally, when kids are being accountable and make a mistake, taking privileges away for a set period of time can do the trick of helping a teenager learn and grow. In a case like the one described above, Hunter was not responding well to parental expectations and his apologies were empty. Here, the parents are trying to get their teenager to change, and the teenager is resisting their efforts and therefore not growing and changing. If Hunter gets a set date for getting his privileges back, he can meet a minimal standard and wait it out, only to have his attitude and negative behavior persist. By not giving a date for returned privileges, it shifts the burden from the parents to the teen and as we all know, no one can change a teenager’s behavior other than the teenager. This opens up the opportunity for Hunter to make real change and get back to learning and growing from his mistakes.

  6. I think that you guys should give him a date for when he should earn his privileges back,then he has something to look at and realize the punishment will only increase from that date.that way he is aware of what could happen next

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