I received a call from a mother whom I’d consulted with in the past. She’d struggled in her relationship with her daughter, who went over to her father’s house whenever Mom set limits. Father didn’t enforce any limits. As motivation and support for her daughter, Mom agreed to a contract with her daughter and the father: if daughter maintained good grades and managed her responsibilities, Mom and Dad would each separately contribute a third towards the cost of a car and daughter would pay the other third.
Well, the daughter had in fact maintained her grades. But she refused to do anything Mom asked of her. In fact, she was downright disrespectful, insulting and unaccountable. When the daughter announced that she’d made her grades and now wanted Mom to contribute to her car, Mom said she’d be happy to. But first, she needed to see her daughter make an attitude adjustment. Daughter needed to show greater respect and cooperation in the home before Mom would be comfortable with her contribution.
With that, the daughter became irate, accusing Mom of reneging on the contract.
The question here is:
When should parents make a contract with their children, teenagers and young adults?
The answer is, very rarely. Here’s why:
A contract is a legal agreement between parties. Of course, there can be informal or not legal contracts, as in this case. But whether a contract is legal or not, it’s still a binding agreement between two or more parties.
The problem with using a contract to establish the relationship between parents and their children, teens and young adults is that parents and kids aren’t equal parties. Parents are still responsible for raising their kids at these ages, and contracts make them equals. That’s why in this case, the daughter believed she could require her mother to support her interpretation of the letter of the agreement, not her mother’s.
From the daughter’s point of view, she’s accountable to her interpretation of the contract. She’s not accountable to her mother. And for parents to successfully raise kids, the child, teen or young adult must be accountable to parental authority. Parental authority must be benevolent, age appropriate, and used in their children’s best interests. Yet, kids must be accountable to their parents.
Instead of contracts, which undermine parental authority, parents can create understandings and agreements with their kids. They can say, “you do your part, and I’ll do mine.” Then, when the kid is off track, not managing their responsibilities or their attitude, a parent can bring them back in line.
If, on the other hand, there’s a contract in place and the parent says, “Remember, you’re hoping for a car, and I want to support that. I need to see a better attitude than this,” the kid will say, “I knew I couldn’t trust you.” In the end, having a contract is rarely an effective way to change youth behavior.
When can we use a contract? We can use a contract when we’re treating our kids as you might any adult. For instance, “I’ll pay you $15 an hour to help me paint the house.” Or, “I’ll pay you $20 to wash the cars.”
Remember, rather than using contracts with your teen or young adult, create understandings and agreements, and always maintain the expectation of accountability. Our youngsters still need us to set limits and be parents.
