Gramps was having trouble with his 16 year old grandson.
“Here’s the situation. Willy’s working on his car in the driveway. He’s fixing up an old Chevy Nova. The problem is, he takes my tools out and leaves them out afterward. I’ve told him it’s fine to use them, but getting him to put them back is another story. I like to know where my tools are and I don’t like to see the front driveway a mess.”
“I told him if he uses the tools, he has to put them back. But he never does! Since he has ADD, is this something I just need to live with?”
“Absolutely not! It’s bad for you and a bad habit for Willy!” I gave Gramps an action plan.
At our next consult, Gramps said, “I followed your advice Neil. Next time Willy was working on his car, I hung out for a few minutes and chatted him up just a bit. Then I asked him how late he was planning to work and how he was going to remember to put away the tools. Willy got defensive.
“This time, instead of getting into an argument or leaving frustrated, I said, “Willy, you’re a great young man and I respect and support your mechanical interest and talent, it’s terrific. I know you intend to put things away. But, when you’re done working, you’re on to the next thing and the tools don’t get put away. I’m wondering if there is a way you can remind yourself? I have to do the same thing with things Grandma wants me to do!”
“Willy said he’d put an alert on his phone,” Gramps said. “Neil, I’m still in shock! It worked great and the tools got put away! But what was the secret? What made the difference this time?”
You see, the skill he used is no secret. It’s simply to ask more questions and give less advice. “If you told him to put an alert on his phone, Willy would have balked. But since the solution was his, he owned it.”
Rather than giving your son or daughter a directive, ask them their ideas and plans for solving the problem. If the solution comes from them, it’s far more likely to turn into action.
Take a look at my book and course – Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle. You’ll find plenty of useful guidance there with a step by step process for dramatically changing dynamics in your family. neildbrown.com/books
and neildbrown.com/parent-teen-control-battle-course
