Here’s a tidbit, a powerful tidbit I might add, that will be key to your successful journey of helping your youth back on a healthy path forward. I’m calling it Radical Positivity.
A Brief Explanation
If we want our youth to change their behavior; limit their time on devices, work harder in school, join in some positive school activities for instance, we’re going to have to believe that they can do it, and that it’s important and will benefit them. In short, we’re asking them to change. And in order for our kids to listen to us, they have to know that we see them as likable, loveable, and capable. Even when they are engaged in negative behaviors or are under-functioning, we see them in a positive light. In order for them to have faith in themselves, they have to know that we have faith in them, so being explicit, even a bit over the top about that, is a vital first step to support them in changing out negative behaviors for positive ones.
So how do we express radical positivity?
Obviously there are individual differences but basically it means calling out their positive attributes, their talent, their goodness, their endearing qualities. Even when they are doing something unacceptable, for instance, staying on their phone instead of doing their work, a parent could say, “I know that the phone is very addictive. I’m concerned that right now it’s robbing you of a chance to exercise that wonderful brain of yours. You are an amazing young person, and this is an important time of life for you to invest in yourself and develop your essential amazingness. Do you need some parental support to put it away now, or can you manage it?”
Here’s another one. You see your shy, introverted young teen being isolated and not putting themselves out there and you want them to develop socially and make some friends. They’re coming up with excuses for why they can’t make friends, “they’re all snobs, I’m not like other kids, I have plenty of friends online”, and you want them to sign up for some positive school activities. You might say, “I know this is hard for you. You’re shy and putting yourself out there is not your best skill. You’re smart, sensitive, artistic, funny and a genuinely wonderful human being. But this is a moment when you are going to have to challenge yourself in your most difficult area. No one is good at everything, and you are on the shy side, so putting yourself out there is hard for you. But once you do it, you’ll find that you’re not the only shy, sensitive kid, and that you will be accepted for who you are. And remember, even when you don’t feel like it, you are wonderful.”
That way when you put your foot down and let them know that they will be required to choose an activity, or change a behavior, that even though they don’t like it, that you are actually on their side.
Here’s a more challenging situation.
You have become aware that your youth is involved with drugs and alcohol and that unbeknown to you, it’s gotten to a serious level. You might try, “Okay, this is where things are at right now. It’s a problem, but you are still you. You are smart, talented and in a gazillion ways, an amazing young person. Drugs and alcohol were the wrong path to go down and we’re going to have to address that together. We’re aware that this may not be easy, but we’ll figure it out together. You’re not alone and like I said, you’re amazing and you’re worth all the effort that you and we can put into you.”
So there you have it. Radical Positivity will give you the moral authority and the leverage to take effective action.
