Here’s something I’d like to share with you. The more I write about Control Battles and delve into the depths of the problems parents present, the more I realize the value of a concept that needs more of our attention; Locus of Control.
We get a lot of terms thrown at us to help us understand how to raise happy, healthy, successful kids. Sometimes it can be confusing which one to focus on after all, are we all supposed to be child psychologists? Yet these concepts are all important in their own way and can all work together to raise an empowered child, teenager and young adult. One concept has been in the shadows and isn’t getting the attention it requires; Locus of Control, and this concept is central to making use of all the others.
Let’s start with perhaps the one we often confuse and combine all the other concepts with. Self-Esteem. Self-esteem is how a person judges who they are. Do I see who I am in positive terms? If I do, I’ll have high self-esteem. If I see myself in negative terms, I’ll have low self-esteem. Good self-esteem is generally formed from the early years all the way through young adulthood. When an infant, toddler, child, teen and eventually young adult, gets generally good feedback and is treated in a way that gives the message that you are worthy, you are important, you are valued, the individual will internalize that and see themselves in positive terms and hence, have good self-esteem. Conversely, if those around them treat them negatively, perhaps not even intentionally just a function of their own stress or their own issues, an individual can internalize a negative self judgement and develop low self-esteem. Obviously, parents offer the most influential message, but the peer group, school, neighborhood all influence an individual’s developing self-esteem or self-judgment.
Let’s turn to the term Self-Efficacy. This is one’s belief that they can do particular things successfully. This is of course not the same as self-esteem, but rather a focus on ability in a certain area. For instance, a youth might have high self-efficacy with respect to their ability to compete with video games and yet have low self-efficacy with respect to learning a new language or get a good math test score. Someone might have good self-efficacy with respect to playing music, but low efficacy in drawing. One teenager could have high social self-efficacy and know they can get along, make friends easily, and be liked by others while at the same time have low academic self-efficacy. Another kid could have high academic self-efficacy, yet low social self-efficacy. If these teenagers see themselves in a positive light, they could both have good self-esteem. And if a teenager has high self-efficacy in both academic ability and social skills, they could still have low self-esteem based on a negative self-judgment. So while high self-efficacy can have a positive impact on Self-Esteem, they are separate from each other.
Executive Function is the term used to explain the important abilities that none of us are perfect at, yet need some mastery of to function well as adults. Executive Functions include Planning and Organization, Focus, Impulse Control, Emotional Management Skills, and Cognitive Flexibility or the ability to respond to changes in the environment. These abilities are neurologically based, and adolescence is an important time for growing executive functioning. Ironically, adolescent neurological functioning includes high dopamine release that encourages distractibility and risk taking so there’s a dilemma. But if we’re patient and see the development of these skills as a process, we can put our teenager’s behavioral challenges into perspective.
All the above concepts can encourage parents to believe that somehow, they must do more to make sure that their young person grows all those important characteristics and skills; that they have high self-esteem, self-efficacy, are growing their executive functioning. OMG, how can a poor parent accomplish all that, especially during a pandemic when all their youth wants to do is be on their devices doing anything but work? Well, that’s a hell of a good question so let’s introduce one more concept that can put things in perspective and that concept is Locus of Control, or with whom does control over one’s life lie.
Who is responsible for a child or teenager behaving in a certain way and who is responsible for getting a child, teenager or even a young adult, to change or improve their behavior? Too often, our attempts to help our children and teenagers learn and grow ends up in counterproductive Control Battles and that’s the last thing we want to see. That’s where understanding this concept is so vitally important and if you learn it and it gets into your parental bone marrow, everything else will fall into place.
Locus Of Control, meaning location of control, refers to the degree to which an individual feels a sense of agency about his or her life. A person with high Internal LOC feels that they are in charge of the outcomes in their life, that personal success and failure is in their hands. This individual is more likely to take initiative, set personal goals, and apply more effort and problem-solving skills to challenges. And of course, conversely, a person with low Internal LOC has the sense or belief that what happens to them is more greatly influenced by external factors. They are more likely to be influenced by others, be more pessimistic and bring less enthusiasm, initiative and effort to the tasks in their life. This concept is attributed to psychologist Julian B. Rotter’s work around 1954.
Of course, we all want our kids to develop agency over their lives; have a strong internal Locus of Control and I’m glad because the other characteristics and skills a young person needs, self-esteem, self-efficacy, and executive functioning are all possible when an Internal LOC is acknowledged and nurtured within each child and adolescent.
I say acknowledged because that’s the first step for your child or adolescent. For them to learn to use their agency wisely, they need to know they have it within them. And for them to know they have that within them, we have to know it and believe deeply in it. That’s great Neil, I know they have the ability to choose to do things or not, but what do I do when their choice is not to do what they’re told; not to manage their responsibilities.
That of course is the million-dollar question. The answer is, we have to respond in a way that acknowledges that they have control of their behavior. What do parents control? Not them. Parents control parenting, including providing structure, limits, and accountability to those limits. Quite often, when kids are given responsibilities, or asked to cooperate, they in fact do. They use their internal LOC to do what is asked of them. They know they can do it, know it’s in their best interest to do it, and may even enjoy doing it. Of course, having a good attitude is a great way to enjoy doing an otherwise not particularly enjoyable task.
But what if this isn’t a child or teenager’s basic nature. What if we’re asking an ADHD kid to focus and they have a hard time with that? What if they don’t respond well to being given responsibilities and they resist doing them. If initiative needs to come from the child, and they aren’t managing their responsibilities, and we “make them” do their responsibilities, are we creating external LOC and undermining the development of internal LOC? If we praise them, bribe them, reward them, punish them, or anything else to get them to behave, we would be making it our job to get them to do or not do what we want of them; hence External Locus of Control. So then what? We could boil the major dilemma down to a single parental challenge, how do we establish accountability to standards and expectations.
- If we’re talking about very young kids, look at the newly released second addition of Joe Newman’s book, Raising Lions. Joe has the courage to challenge the medical model for the diagnosis and treatment of child behavior problems as well as the many well intended positive communication models and gives the reader a simple actionable approach that honors the capability of children to manage their behavior. He doesn’t give up on even the most challenging children (lions), who successfully learn that even they can use their internal LOC to manage their behavior.
- If we’re talking about preteens, teenagers and young adults, my book, Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle offers a clear path forward.
But to keep things simple, the best way to stay out of trouble, (Control Battles) with your child, teenager or young adult, is to know that they have the capacity to learn and take control of their behavior. With a strong internal LOC, all the other emotional and neurological skills are possible.
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